A unique characteristic of children is their insatiable appetite for answers to their questions. Children are especially interested in why death occurs and why it can't be "fixed".

 

INFANCY TO TODDLER YEARS

·         There is no concept of death.

·         The child reacts to the emotions and feelings of the parents.

·         The grief of others permeates their environment.

REACTIONS

·         Crying.

·         Regurgitation or vomiting.

·         Regression in toilet habits. INTERVENTIONS

·         Confront the behavior with professional help.

·         Keep the routine as normal as possible.

·         Physical reassurance through holding and talking to the child.

 

FROM THREE TO FIVE

·         Children this age live mostly in the present.

·         They deny death as a normal and final process.

·         They equate death with sleep. In time, the person will awaken.

·         Death is measured in degrees - "kind of' dead to "real" dead.

·         They begin to form a vague understanding of what death is, but they believe it only happens to other people.

REACTIONS

·         May show little concern when told of a death.

·         May regress to infantile behavior.

·         Fears separation from significant others.

·         Asks repeated questions about the person who died. INTERVENTIONS

·         State the fact of death. Do not use clichés.

·         Keep explanations short and simple.

·         Respond to their security needs.

FROM SIX TO NINE

·         They have a clearer understanding of death.

·         Comprehend they, too, can die.

·         Begin to fear death; often see it as punishment.

·         Realize death is final and people they love can die. REACTIONS

·         High anxiety.

·         Less willing to talk about death.

·         Grief reactions ebb and flow. INTERVENTIONS

·         Respond compassionately.

·         Refrain from using clichés.

·         Be responsive to their needs.

·         Reassurance.

·         Use art and stories to aid their expression of grief.

 

FROM TEN TO TWELVE

·         View death not only as final but inevitable.

·         Curious about the biological aspects of death.

·         To hide their fear, they often joke about death.

·         Not unusual for them to feel some responsibility for the death. REACTIONS

·         Separation anxiety and fear.

·         May lose some manual skills.

·         Daydreaming. At school, grades may fall.

·         This is the "fix it" age.

·         They tend to emotionally distance themselves. INTERVENTIONS

·         Give compassionate answers to their questions.

·         Give them permission to vent their feelings.

·         Listen attentively.

·         Give an honest explanation of the death.

 

TEENAGE YEARS

·         More adult processes are evident.

·         They fluctuate between acknowledging death as final and wanting to believe it is just a rumor.

·         They have feelings of immortality at the same time realizing life is fragile.

·         To defy death, they engage in risk taking behavior. REACTIONS

·         Assume the adult role, especially with younger siblings.

·         Preoccupation with death.

·         May attempt suicide as a gesture.

·         Often show anger and aggression. INTERVENTIONS

·         Encourage communication.

·         Involve a trusted friend.

·         Engage in loving confrontation when needed.

·         Provide professional help when necessary.

 

 

The Sharing Place 1695 East 3300 South

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www.thesharingplace.org

NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS ARE TRUE. EACH ONE IS FALSE.

•           All losses are the same.

•           It takes two months to get over your grief.

•          All bereaved people grieve in the same way.

•          Grief always declines over time in a steadily decreasing way.

•          When grief is resolved, it never comes up again.

•          Family members will always help grievers.

•          Children grieve like adults.

•          Feeling sorry for yourself is not allowable.

•          It is better to put painful things out of your mind.

•          You should not think about your deceased loved one at the holidays because it will make you too sad.

•          Bereaved individuals only need to express their feelings and they will resolve their grief.

•          Expressing feelings that are intense is the same as losing control.

•          There is no reason to be angry at people who tried to do their best for your deceased loved one.

•          There is no reason to be angry at your deceased loved one.

•          Only sick individuals have physical problems in grief.

•          Because you feel crazy, you are going crazy.

•          Infant death shouldn't be too difficult to resolve because you didn't know the child that well.

•          Children need to be protected from grief and death.

•          Rituals and funerals are unimportant in helping us deal with life and death in contemporary America.

•          Being upset and grieving means that you do not believe in God or trust your religion.

•          You will have no relationship with your loved one after the death.

•         The intensity and length of your grief are testimony to your love for the deceased.

•         There is something wrong if you do not always feel close to your other family members since you should be happy they are still alive.

•        There is something wrong with you if you think that part of you has died with your loved one.

•          If someone has lost a spouse he or she knows what it is like to lose a child.

•         It is better to tell bereaved people to "be brave" and "keep a stiff upper lip" because then they will not have to experience as much pain.

•          Grief will affect you psychologically but in no other way.

•          Losing someone to sudden death is the same as losing someone to an anticipated death.

•          You will not be affected much if your parent dies when you are an adult.

•          It is not important to have social support in your grief.

•          Once your loved one has died it is better not to focus on him or her but to put him or her in the past and go on.

•          You can find ways to avoid the pain of your grief and still resolve it successfully.

1. A Teacher Can Have Help

A teacher must be comfortable enough with the issues being discussed in order to lead the discussion. If a teacher is not comfortable, then ask for help from the counselor/crisis team.

2. A Circle

Sit in a comfortable way. A circle is the best to include all members in the discussion. Move the desks and sit on the rug or in a comfortable location in the classroom.

3. “I Pass” Rule

A child can pass the opportunity to share their feelings at anytime. In this way, we express to the child that we trust her/him to know when she/he is ready to share grief.

4. “Talking Stick”

Use a special object as your "Talking Stick". It can be a stuffed animal, a special rock, or a traditional Native American Talking Stick with feathers tied to it. The one holding the ''Talking Stick" is the only one to speak at a time.

5. Answer Questions

Answer questions truthfully, and if you do not know what to say, say so. Offer to find out answers and report back if possible.

6. Avoid Asking Too Many Questions

While in discussion groups, remember that too many questions can often be overwhelming. Listen carefully when a child shares an experience and be willing to simply reflect their statements. This often gives the children a sense of what they are feeling and inspires them to proceed along their own direction at their own pace.

7. Avoid Interpretations

If a child is indirect or is using symbols in order to express him/herself, it is because direct communication is too painful. Communicate with a child through the information and the symbols that are offered.

8. Avoid Judgement

Referring to a child’s sharing as either "good'' or "bad" can encourage a child to seek adult approval while discouraging the child to trust his/her own way of expressing grief. Simply say "thank you" for their sharing.

9. Allow for Silence and Tears

It is assumed that you are reading this page because there is a crisis in your family and you need quick information about what to say to a child to tell them a loved one has died. This is written to give you quick, simple guidelines.

Are you the child’s primary caregiver? If so, evaluate your emotional state regarding the death. Do you need someone with you when your child is informed? If so, reach out to family, a friend or clergyperson. Give them a copy of “Grieving Children: What to Say” to read before you meet with your child. At this time the section on what not to say is most useful. It is located in the same window where you found this article.

Basic Principles of Informing a Child of a Death:

Keep it simple. Use “died”, not “He is sleeping.”

(I.e.: “Colin, there was an accident at work today. Daddy was working on the 5^th floor when a guardrail broke and he fell down to the ground. The fall was so far and so hard that he died.”)

Allow your child to express raw feelings freely or ask questions.

Answer questions honestly and simply. Do not go into detail, unless asked. Offer only as much detailed information as is requested.

If the death was due to a violent crime, explain how the child will remain safe.

 If the body is suitable for viewing, allow the child to see your deceased loved one, if requested. Prepare the child for what he or she will see.

 Tell your child what will be happening in the next few days.

Give your child choices in what to do. Some children want to go to school the day of the death. Familiar routines are comforting. Inform the school of the death before your child returns.

Reassure your child that he or she will be cared for and explain the plan